Sometimes, when the future just seems dark, bleak, hopeless, how often is it the future? How much of those thoughts are based in the now?
People often think that telling someone that people will miss them, or to think about the other people and what this will do to them would help, when the reality is that it’s not about them. It is about this person and how they have been and are feeling at that exact moment. What has happened to bring them to this point in time? What are they feeling and why? It may be something caused by life events, or it may be something brought about by their own thoughts as it ate away at them. You don’t apply logic to these situation, you apply empathy, an ear, an open mind. This isn’t about you, or their family or friends. It’s not about anyone but them. They say it’s selfish, and that’s because it is. Being selfish is when you come to a decision that lacks the consideration of other. So yea, it’s selfish, but don’t you dare make them feel guilty about it. Guilt is horribly corrosive and eats away at whatever remaining batteries their flashlight has.
Living with your own thoughts can be hard. Noticing every little thing, many of which are traits you find annoying, bad, worthless, always outweighing the good ones. In your mind, nothing anyone says positively about you is true, because you know yourself better than anyone else. They don’t know all these ‘dark’ traits about you. No matter how minor they actually are, they seem life altering to you, like a monument that people keep trying to compare to a hill. People compliment you and all you can think is “if only you knew”. To you, it’s like some deep dark secret that should never be revealed. It can be something as ‘simple’ as “sometimes I think people are stupid”, which really doesn’t sound like much, but to you it’s like saying that one night, many moons ago, you killed someone in cold blood. People may have forgiven you or could go “oh it’s not a big deal”, but you haven’t forgiven yourself and may never do so.
People tend to overlook, that something that seems minor to them is something catastrophic to you. They don’t see it as a big deal, so why should you, right? They don’t understand, and sometimes they never do, and you’re tired of trying to explain it to them. You’re just so freaking tired all the time.
How do you get someone to understand something that you’ve been trying to figure out your entire life?
And once you think you have yourself figured out, you go and change again, then causing you to question everything all over again.
People are complicated, and you are probably going to be the most complicated person you know.
I usually like to end these kinds of things on hopeful notes, because in times like these where everything seems hopeless, you just want to know that there is some ray of hope someplace right? But even If I don’t have it here for you, it’s out there; in many shapes and forms, that will come on many occasions. It doesn’t always come in this bright ray of sunshine that brings light to all the darkest corners of the world; sometimes it starts with a small flashlight, or even a match. Find whatever source of light you can, no matter how small it is, and keep walking. Keep walking and, one day, you’ll find that stupid box that keeps blowing a fuse, and replace that faulty box with a nice and shiny indestructible one you tripped over on the way there.
(A good place to start looking for a match is simply some good music. )